1. Prepare to Care
Topic 1 of 4
Having a conversation
You’re not alone
Care2Serve has developed these modules to support people caring for older Tasmanians. The modules are presented by Jean Kittson AM, an actress comedian, author, and carer. Jean is the Patron of Palliative Care Nurses Australia and an Ambassador for the Macular Disease Foundation, among others. She is also the author of ‘We need to talk about Mum and Dad: A practical guide to parenting our ageing parents’.
Select ‘Play’ to begin our journey together.
Hello, my name is Jean Kitson and I’m the author of We Need to Talk About Mom and Dad, a practical guide to parenting our aging parents. And it is my great pleasure to present to you this series of modules developed by Care to Serve Tasmania to help carers. As carers, we often feel that we are one step behind what needs to be done from navigating government support systems to understanding and organizing medical professionals to simply having a conversation with our elders about what the future might look like.
Caring can be exhausting, frustrating, and distressing. But with planning, it can also be uplifting, fulfilling, and deeply meaningful. Caring for someone needs planning. Planning will help you in the case of a crisis or just a gradual unraveling. This first module will give you the information you need and suggest what to do and what to say so that you can prepare to care for your elder in a way that will enable you both to live the best life possible.
And remember, you’re not alone.
Approaching conversations
Conversations with your elders are easier and more effective if you put your elders at the centre and really listen to what they say. If the topics are difficult – for example having a new support service at home – remind them and you that talking about it will give them more control not less.
Select each heading to learn about some approaches for having conversations.
What would you do?
Mary’s husband Joe has been unwell, and she has been assisting him in the shower. She has been suffering from back pain as Joe needs more help lately. Their daughter, who is their carer, offered to help, but Joe doesn’t want help to shower. Mary is worried about his safety, and their daughter worries about both of their safety.
Take a moment to think about how you might approach a situation like this.
Approaching the situation
You may have encountered a situation similar to Joe and Mary’s, where you can identify a risk and want to fix it. Although the solution appears to be simple and is obvious to you as the carer, the person you are caring for may not see it your way or not want to have the conversation.
Move through the slides to workshop how this scenario could be approached.
This is Joe’s decision and choice to make. However, there are negative consequences to slips, trips and falls so it’s important that he understands the risk. Showering is a personal task and having help might be uncomfortable for him so it may be helpful to talk about that aspect of the decision as well.
Things you might say include:
- “Dad, there’s a chance of the floor being slippery in the bathroom – are you aware of the risk?”
- “Is there anything you can do to make sure it’s a bit safer?”
- “Dad, I can understand why you might not want Mum or me to help you shower. We are not trained to do this but there are people who are, like care workers, who help people when they need it. What do you think?”
Using open questions will help Joe’s daughter understand his values and preferences by asking what’s important.
If Joe’s daughter wanted to find out more about what her dad is thinking and feeling she might ask questions like:
- “Tell me about how you’re feeling Dad.”
- “What would happen if you had someone trained to help you?”, or even
- “What is on your mind?”
Understanding Joe as a person who has beliefs that are to be respected and needs that can only be met in the way he wants, is a person centered approach.
If Joe’s daughter wants to ‘fix’ the situation it will have to be on Joe’s (and Mary’s) terms, at their pace, with her parents’ dignity as the guiding principle. Joe’s daughter might find that the most important factor for him is to build trust. It may be that Joe’s frame of mind or his feeling of control of a situation will influence how comfortable he feels about help at home.
Joe’s daughter will benefit from focusing on the situation at hand and really listening to how he feels and his beliefs on the matter.
Active listening will enable Joe to feel heard and give him the confidence to express his thoughts without worrying about others pushing their ideas. Ask Joe what is on his mind – and then listen.
Getting the conversation started
Conversations usually come naturally, especially when it’s with someone you know or who shares your interests or experiences. However, communicating with the person you’re caring for can be tough. You will come across topics (like future planning or home care) that may cause your elder to feel you are ‘telling them what to do’.
How do you take the next step?
Talking is vital for future planning and ensures that the preferences of the person you’re caring for are known and respected.
Select the headings to explore tips on starting conversations.
Make a list of what needs to be discussed. Have some questions prepared such as:
- How are you coping?
- How are you feeling?
- How’s everything going?
- Is there anything you need doing at home?
Give space and time for a conversation.
Listening can be hard when you want to jump in and ‘rescue’ your elder by giving them your best advice. See if you can hold off a little longer and stay curious.
If someone has a hearing impairment or has just slowed down a little (but is still fabulous) they need time to articulate their thoughts and focus on what is being said.
Don’t ambush your loved one. Elders set the agenda and are at the centre of the discussion. Not all conversations can be had over tea and scones.
You may be responding to a crisis, be in the hospital and feel that action is needed now! The change you want to see may not be at the pace you desire.
Family members (or your supporting team) may have different ideas that clash with what your elders want.
The team may disagree which can be hard to navigate. Peaceful resolution requires negotiation and focus on the person at the centre (not unresolved conflicts with your sister about Monopoly).
It is important for your elder and you as a carer to involve the family for support when you need it.
Checking in is not always checking on. Sometimes just drop in to ‘see them’, rather than ‘see how they are’.
Having regular relaxed ‘catch ups’ helps you to stay on top of what is going on in the life of your elders – and have tea and scones.
MODULE 1
